9 days ago I described my inability to let go. As I visited my friend in the hospital for the last time I decided to take action. I realized as I wrote my last entry that I had to step up and make things happen. I walk in and tell him that we are toxic to each other and that we should not talk anymore. The exit was dramatic, and I walked out feeling confident. I did well too-- I made it 2 1/2 minutes before I called him back to tell him he was right, and we should try to work it out.
That is the problem. I do something I know is right, and then second guess it almost instantaneously. I don't have faith in my decisions.
Two days later he gets out of the hospital, and I am looking forward to the dinner we had planned. He sends me a text message letting me know that he deleted me from gchat and that we weren't going to talk anymore. Despite the fact that two days before this is what I said should happen, I was a little upset. He was so dead-set on making this work, and then it says it won't, but on his terms not mine. I tell him that I deserve an explanation.
The response was the best closure I could have ever received. There will be no more going back and forth. No more wanting to be together and then wanting to be so far apart in one breath. I am happy it's over, and I'm happy he found out what he did, but it's a little upsetting I couldn't have made this now-obvious decision months ago, before the roller coaster. Before we hurt each other. Before it got toxic.
This has definitely helped me realize how important it is to end things when the parties involved no longer have anything to benefit from it. We didn't have much in common, and had been arguing constantly. The only things we still had going were sexual.
He certainly had little to get out of it. He came out of the closet. Now that's closure.
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Hmmm I just posted my previous comment without reading your latest post. I'm glad to hear that you're out of this abusive/toxic relationship, but that was just temporary problem considering you still haven't solved how to let go by yourself (instead, he's the one who ultimately let you go). I'm going to add your blog in my favorite blogs list. If you promise to keep posting (well you haven't in the past month, but we all have those writing-draughts), then I'll keep commenting^_^ You seem like a very sweet girl, and I wouldn't mind being a shoulder to cry on from time to time.
ReplyDelete-M
Oh my goodness! I was going to catch up with your life and see what's new... but has it really been since 2007?! Is there a more recent blog than http://marco-bgs.blogspot.com/? You should really get on that :p
ReplyDeleteNah, marco-bgs is my only blog, and I've been meaning to get back on it since I've stopped. Who knows, maybe once I see your blog making new posts (don't worry, I'll continue with my comedic repertoire), it might encourage me to get off my e-ass and restart it. First things first, we both have to update more often. I mean, it took me a few days to realise that you sent me a comment to copy/paste my previous comments onto your new blog, then a month to realise that you've replied to what I've said.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to be heard, and not many (or any) people are responding, maybe we can help each other out with our lives and just e-mail. If you ever want to contact me, hit me up at biggoronsword@hotmail.com
Carpe diem,
-M