9 days ago I described my inability to let go. As I visited my friend in the hospital for the last time I decided to take action. I realized as I wrote my last entry that I had to step up and make things happen. I walk in and tell him that we are toxic to each other and that we should not talk anymore. The exit was dramatic, and I walked out feeling confident. I did well too-- I made it 2 1/2 minutes before I called him back to tell him he was right, and we should try to work it out.
That is the problem. I do something I know is right, and then second guess it almost instantaneously. I don't have faith in my decisions.
Two days later he gets out of the hospital, and I am looking forward to the dinner we had planned. He sends me a text message letting me know that he deleted me from gchat and that we weren't going to talk anymore. Despite the fact that two days before this is what I said should happen, I was a little upset. He was so dead-set on making this work, and then it says it won't, but on his terms not mine. I tell him that I deserve an explanation.
The response was the best closure I could have ever received. There will be no more going back and forth. No more wanting to be together and then wanting to be so far apart in one breath. I am happy it's over, and I'm happy he found out what he did, but it's a little upsetting I couldn't have made this now-obvious decision months ago, before the roller coaster. Before we hurt each other. Before it got toxic.
This has definitely helped me realize how important it is to end things when the parties involved no longer have anything to benefit from it. We didn't have much in common, and had been arguing constantly. The only things we still had going were sexual.
He certainly had little to get out of it. He came out of the closet. Now that's closure.
7.02.2009
Letting go is really really hard...
At some point everyone looks at their life and says "why"? I am no exception. There are so many big questions I've recently began asking myself--the questions that can help me turn my life around and become who I want to be. How cliche! The difference is now I have plenty of time to think on my 50-minute subway rides every morning. At the moment it's that or read about men who fondle "nymphets" between the ages of 13 and 16. Yesterday I chose the book and my favorite quote was:
"I exchanged letters with these people, satisfying them I was housebroken, and spent a fantastic night on the train, imagining in all possible detail the enigmatic nymphette I would coach in French and fondle in Humbertish"
--Humbert Humbert in Lolita
--Humbert Humbert in Lolita
Anyway, I will dedicate each week to a question that I have concluded I need to work on for myself. Let's begin with what has historically proved to be the most difficult for me, and which I am sure I will come back to in the future: how can I learn to let go?
It starts by trying to understand that I can't do it all. Recently I have been trying to let go of someone, but haven't been able to because I see him struggling with a condition that has followed him for many years. I feel like I can't leave him when he is having trouble with the condition, and I don't want to leave him when he's not. The irony of it all is that often times by being around I exacerbate the condition.
In the last week, however, it has gotten to a level beyond what I have ever seen him before. This condition has followed him for a long time, and he helped me through something very similar. That's why I'm sure he knows how to get through it. He isn't trying, though. He will go through the hospital shenanigans, promising to work on getting better. The sentiment lasts a week and then he's "cured" -- for a month at least! It is impossible for me to think I can help someone who is not willing to help himself, and I'm just going to be running into a wall over and over again trying. Recently this has caused immense problems and I am (almost literally) running away from it all. There's nothing more I can do. If I am going to be lied to in order to gain attention from me (when he has my undivided attention to begin with) I will not be very inclined to help. It can't be fixed until he realizes it and starts trying on his own. I have been nothing but supportive, and I did all I could. I have nothing left.
Of course this isn't the only example of me not being able to let go. I have a lot of issues with frienships and relationships that spawn from my inability to control my attachment to people. It can get to weird levels even with friends, nevermind people who have a deeper emotional connection. I don't know how to fix this yet, I've been focused on the first half of the issue, but it is something that is going to be actively worked on until it is perfect.
It starts by trying to understand that I can't do it all. Recently I have been trying to let go of someone, but haven't been able to because I see him struggling with a condition that has followed him for many years. I feel like I can't leave him when he is having trouble with the condition, and I don't want to leave him when he's not. The irony of it all is that often times by being around I exacerbate the condition.
In the last week, however, it has gotten to a level beyond what I have ever seen him before. This condition has followed him for a long time, and he helped me through something very similar. That's why I'm sure he knows how to get through it. He isn't trying, though. He will go through the hospital shenanigans, promising to work on getting better. The sentiment lasts a week and then he's "cured" -- for a month at least! It is impossible for me to think I can help someone who is not willing to help himself, and I'm just going to be running into a wall over and over again trying. Recently this has caused immense problems and I am (almost literally) running away from it all. There's nothing more I can do. If I am going to be lied to in order to gain attention from me (when he has my undivided attention to begin with) I will not be very inclined to help. It can't be fixed until he realizes it and starts trying on his own. I have been nothing but supportive, and I did all I could. I have nothing left.
Of course this isn't the only example of me not being able to let go. I have a lot of issues with frienships and relationships that spawn from my inability to control my attachment to people. It can get to weird levels even with friends, nevermind people who have a deeper emotional connection. I don't know how to fix this yet, I've been focused on the first half of the issue, but it is something that is going to be actively worked on until it is perfect.
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